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CEO & FounderMy name is Amber Von Grat, you can call me Khadijah, and I was born and raised in the country on Treaty 6 territory. My passion is to help women heal from perfectionism so they can receive Divine love and live whole-heartedly.
I was featured on CityNews as the first hijabi recruit in Canada. It was an interesting experience for me because I definitely learned where my true career path was. It wasn’t always a dream of mine to be a firefighter. However, I had grown up learning that my strength was my physical capability as an athlete. I’ve done sports my entire life and was even in bodybuilding in 2014. When I went into firefighting, my idea was that I wanted to help my community. I wanted to increase my spirituality, surroundings, environment, and learn how my physical strength would support me in doing that. |
Whenever I was in training and on call, I had this feeling, and my captain said to me once, “Sometimes you’re going to have to fight your human instinct to go and save someone because it’s more dangerous to go in and save someone than to stand and watch.”
For me, it was at that moment where I had to really sit with myself and ask, “Is this the right thing for me?” Training was a big part of that–you’re learning how to go into fires, you’re learning how to wear an oxygen mask, and you don’t learn about yourself until you’re in the training. It’s a beautiful thing to have that passion, that desire to serve and support your community.
For me, it was at that moment where I had to really sit with myself and ask, “Is this the right thing for me?” Training was a big part of that–you’re learning how to go into fires, you’re learning how to wear an oxygen mask, and you don’t learn about yourself until you’re in the training. It’s a beautiful thing to have that passion, that desire to serve and support your community.
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I asked myself, “Is that really what my soul is looking for?” And the answer was no. It definitely was a stepping stone for me. However, what really shifted was stepping out of that coping mechanism that I had from past trauma, where I thought that my superficial strengths– the way that I looked, the activities that I engaged in, the
job that I had–was a resemblance of the strength of myself, my character, my body, and what I could handle. I had to say “No,” which was very hard for me, because that was my “Yes Year”– that was the year where I was taking every and any opportunity that God gave me to discover more about who I was. It allowed me to create space to step into my feminine and to really learn, “What was it about that emotional response that I had? What was my soul’s intention when I actually started firefighting?” It was to increase my spirituality, to serve my community, and to learn I’m not the one who actually saves in the spiritual aspect of things. We are not the one that saves. God is the one that saves people, and what is He asking of me? |
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“I started to learn that I wanted to support women like me who had gone through emotional and spiritual trauma. I just wanted to be that safe space, where whether they decided to run and save themselves or stand and watch - I wanted there to be a place of refuge.”
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Featured On
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The Call to Serve My Community
I was featured on CityNews as the first hijabi recruit in Canada. It was an interesting experience for me because I definitely learned where my true career path was. It wasn’t always a dream of mine to be a firefighter. However, I had grown up learning that my strength was my physical capability as an athlete. I’ve done sports my entire life and was even in bodybuilding in 2014.
When I went into firefighting, my idea was that I wanted to help my community. I wanted to increase my spirituality, surroundings, environment, and learn how my physical strength would support me in doing that.
Whenever I was in training and on call, I had this feeling, and my captain said to me once, “Sometimes you’re going to have to fight your human instinct to go and save someone because it’s more dangerous to go in and save someone than to stand and watch.”
For me, it was at that moment where I had to really sit with myself and ask, “Is this the right thing for me?” Training was a big part of that–you’re learning how to go into fires, you’re learning how to wear an oxygen mask, and you don’t learn about yourself until you’re in the training. It’s a beautiful thing to have that passion, that desire to serve and support your community.
I was featured on CityNews as the first hijabi recruit in Canada. It was an interesting experience for me because I definitely learned where my true career path was. It wasn’t always a dream of mine to be a firefighter. However, I had grown up learning that my strength was my physical capability as an athlete. I’ve done sports my entire life and was even in bodybuilding in 2014.
When I went into firefighting, my idea was that I wanted to help my community. I wanted to increase my spirituality, surroundings, environment, and learn how my physical strength would support me in doing that.
Whenever I was in training and on call, I had this feeling, and my captain said to me once, “Sometimes you’re going to have to fight your human instinct to go and save someone because it’s more dangerous to go in and save someone than to stand and watch.”
For me, it was at that moment where I had to really sit with myself and ask, “Is this the right thing for me?” Training was a big part of that–you’re learning how to go into fires, you’re learning how to wear an oxygen mask, and you don’t learn about yourself until you’re in the training. It’s a beautiful thing to have that passion, that desire to serve and support your community.
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Shifting from Physical Strength to Emotional and Spiritual Resilience
I asked myself, “Is that really what my soul is looking for?” And the answer was no. It definitely was a stepping stone for me. However, what really shifted was stepping out of that coping mechanism that I had from past trauma, where I thought that my superficial strengths– the way that I looked, the activities that I engaged in, the |
job that I had–was a resemblance of the strength of myself, my character, my body, and what I could handle.
I had to say “No,” which was very hard for me, because that was my “Yes Year”– that was the year where I was taking every and any opportunity that God gave me to discover more about who I was.
It allowed me to create space to step into my feminine and to really learn, “What was it about that emotional response that I had? What was my soul’s intention when I actually started firefighting?” It was to increase my spirituality, to serve my community, and to learn I’m not the one who actually saves in the spiritual aspect of things.
I had to say “No,” which was very hard for me, because that was my “Yes Year”– that was the year where I was taking every and any opportunity that God gave me to discover more about who I was.
It allowed me to create space to step into my feminine and to really learn, “What was it about that emotional response that I had? What was my soul’s intention when I actually started firefighting?” It was to increase my spirituality, to serve my community, and to learn I’m not the one who actually saves in the spiritual aspect of things.
“I started to learn that I wanted to support women like me who had gone through emotional and spiritual trauma, and I wanted them to save themselves. I just wanted to be that safe space, where whether they decided to run and save themselves or stand and watch themselves, I wanted them to know that it’s a safe space.”
Allah is the One That Saves
Actually, in general, I’m not the one that saves. God is the one that saves people, and what is He asking of me? I started to learn that I wanted to support women like me who had gone through emotional and spiritual trauma, and I wanted them to save themselves. I just wanted to be that safe space, where whether they decided to run and save themselves or stand and watch themselves, I wanted them to know that it’s a safe space.
In an interview, I shared that I was leaving firefighting and I was stepping into writing my book, so I have done that. I’ve co-authored a book I’ve published, the “30-Day Soul Detox,” Alhamdulillah. Now, I’m working on my next upcoming book, “How to Surrender to Divine Love,” which I’m super excited about.
Actually, in general, I’m not the one that saves. God is the one that saves people, and what is He asking of me? I started to learn that I wanted to support women like me who had gone through emotional and spiritual trauma, and I wanted them to save themselves. I just wanted to be that safe space, where whether they decided to run and save themselves or stand and watch themselves, I wanted them to know that it’s a safe space.
In an interview, I shared that I was leaving firefighting and I was stepping into writing my book, so I have done that. I’ve co-authored a book I’ve published, the “30-Day Soul Detox,” Alhamdulillah. Now, I’m working on my next upcoming book, “How to Surrender to Divine Love,” which I’m super excited about.
My Convert Story
I was born and raised in the country and basically, we had a church, a baseball diamond, a hockey rink, and a convenience store. Everyone around was living on acreages or farms so I only really knew about Christianity and Catholicism. My mom grew up Pentecostal and my dad wasn’t religious.
My mom raised us on what I thought was unconditional love (to my best ability to understand that as a child), and I learned a lot from her. No matter what mistakes I made, it was comforting to know that home was a safe space with her. I got the freedom to make mistakes and to discover what was for me.
When I was in university, after my emotional trauma, I was planning on getting married and having children with someone, and it got ripped out from underneath me. I thought to myself, “I really only want to be married, have a companion, live a beautiful life, and have things kind of fall into place.” So, when that didn’t happen, the way that “things should happen” it really threw me off. I didn’t know what to do because here I was almost graduating, and now all my plans had fell.
The Search for Truth
So, I started looking into New Age spirituality and looking at who I was, and figured out that I really was living in my own world. I was very selfish. I didn’t stop to admire nature very often as I felt like I should, and it just made me think about how I was coping with my trauma. I was becoming someone that I didn’t recognize.
It was because I had to learn how to defend myself and how to behave in the world, especially because I was spending so much time with someone that I loved, and who I thought loved me. So, I got into New Age spirituality, and I started meditating and learning about, “What do I believe in? What’s guiding me? Where is this all coming from?” Growing up, I had this sense of God or something that’s higher than myself.
I was exploring and I had adulthood to spend time with myself and research it. I remember I had friends from everywhere, especially when I lived in the city, that were Christian, atheist, and Muslim, and we didn’t care what other people believed in. Religion is a very taboo subject, so nobody really sits and talks about religion. But we would talk about what we believed in, and it was a game called, “Truth or Truth.”
We went around asking questions, and so they started to get to know me very well, and the Muslim brother had said to me, “Amber, a lot of what you believe in is in the Quran.” I said, “What is that?” I didn’t know what that was. So, I sat down with them for like three hours and I took pages and pages of notes, asking questions about Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism, mostly focusing on Christianity and Islam. I was curious so I was like, “Oh, I should look into this.”
I was born and raised in the country and basically, we had a church, a baseball diamond, a hockey rink, and a convenience store. Everyone around was living on acreages or farms so I only really knew about Christianity and Catholicism. My mom grew up Pentecostal and my dad wasn’t religious.
My mom raised us on what I thought was unconditional love (to my best ability to understand that as a child), and I learned a lot from her. No matter what mistakes I made, it was comforting to know that home was a safe space with her. I got the freedom to make mistakes and to discover what was for me.
When I was in university, after my emotional trauma, I was planning on getting married and having children with someone, and it got ripped out from underneath me. I thought to myself, “I really only want to be married, have a companion, live a beautiful life, and have things kind of fall into place.” So, when that didn’t happen, the way that “things should happen” it really threw me off. I didn’t know what to do because here I was almost graduating, and now all my plans had fell.
The Search for Truth
So, I started looking into New Age spirituality and looking at who I was, and figured out that I really was living in my own world. I was very selfish. I didn’t stop to admire nature very often as I felt like I should, and it just made me think about how I was coping with my trauma. I was becoming someone that I didn’t recognize.
It was because I had to learn how to defend myself and how to behave in the world, especially because I was spending so much time with someone that I loved, and who I thought loved me. So, I got into New Age spirituality, and I started meditating and learning about, “What do I believe in? What’s guiding me? Where is this all coming from?” Growing up, I had this sense of God or something that’s higher than myself.
I was exploring and I had adulthood to spend time with myself and research it. I remember I had friends from everywhere, especially when I lived in the city, that were Christian, atheist, and Muslim, and we didn’t care what other people believed in. Religion is a very taboo subject, so nobody really sits and talks about religion. But we would talk about what we believed in, and it was a game called, “Truth or Truth.”
We went around asking questions, and so they started to get to know me very well, and the Muslim brother had said to me, “Amber, a lot of what you believe in is in the Quran.” I said, “What is that?” I didn’t know what that was. So, I sat down with them for like three hours and I took pages and pages of notes, asking questions about Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism, mostly focusing on Christianity and Islam. I was curious so I was like, “Oh, I should look into this.”
“I remember sharing that with them and looking back, I wonder if they prayed for me to become a Muslim.”
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Discovering Spiritual Protection
Then, I started getting nightmares. I’ve had very vivid dreams since I was very young and I did have one beautiful experience back in 2011ish. I was dating someone who was a born Muslim, and of course they weren’t practicing or else we wouldn’t have been dating. His mom would invite us over for dinner, and I remember sleeping over in their living room–that was the room they pray in. It has so many blessings in it for people of faith. |
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I fell asleep and I remember this dream where it was all white. It felt like I was in heaven. I had no idea how to explain it, it was just so peaceful and serene. This feminine being was holding me from behind on the couch and had her arms wrapped around me. It was all white, and I just felt so comforted and safe that I didn’t want to wake up. When I woke up, I was like, “I want to go back.” I remember sharing that with them and looking back, I wonder if they prayed for me to become a Muslim.
Fast forward seven years, and here I am having dreams again. I was having nightmares as I was getting closer to learning about Islam. I had people around me that were into the New Age spirituality and were doing things that I don’t necessarily associate with now.
The Gift of Ayatul Kursi
I remember going to the mall one day, maybe a week before Ramadan 2018 was starting. I was going for tea because I love tea, and there’s a store beside it that’s a rock shop with crystals, rocks, and necklaces. They had the third eye that a lot of people in Turkey use for protection, and I was like, “Oh, I should try this out and see if it works.”
But I went into the tea shop first. I go inside and this lady, she’s the only one working, and she’s not wearing a hijab or anything, she looks at me and says, “Can I tell you something crazy?” And I said, “Honestly, my whole life is just upside down right now, you can’t surprise me, so sure.” And she said, “Are you spiritual?” I said, “Yes.”
She said, “Do you have crystals on you?” I said, “Yeah.” I showed her my bracelets, and she said, “Don’t buy into this New Age spirituality. You can open up the energy centers of your soul or your chakras, and these beings are called ‘Jinn’ that are unseen beings, and they can attach to you.” She said, “My family sees them and there are some following you.”
I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, I’ve had that feeling before where there’s something following me.” I had light switches that were turning on and off at my house, I had something chasing me and I got so terrified, I ran into my room– it was just these uncomfortable feelings when I was awake and asleep.
I was like, “How does this lady know this?” I asked what to do, and she gave me what is known as one of the most powerful verses in the Quran called Ayatul Kursi. Then, she also gave me the four Quls, which are the last four chapters in the Quran that are about protection and the Prophet (SAW), peace and blessings be upon him. He received Ayatul Kursi when black magic was cast on him, and it protected him. I called my friend and told them that this happened, and they were like, “I should have given this to you!”
So, I took that back home and very quickly realized that this was a very powerful experience, all of my nightmares went away. The science part of me was like, “Should I experiment and see if this is just a coincidence?” The spiritual side of me was also intrigued because it was like, “Why is this so powerful?” I had no idea at the time what it was, I was just open and curious. I kept with the prayers and I went home.
Then, I started playing it at night before I went to sleep. Like I said, my nightmares went away. Then I decided not to play to see what would happen, and this is when I had a dream. My dreams were like, lucid dreaming. There was this living room, I saw it from above, and there’s a woman in front and a woman behind me in two separate rooms that were twins. They were both wearing hijab, which was interesting because I’ve never seen hijabis in my dream before.
Fast forward seven years, and here I am having dreams again. I was having nightmares as I was getting closer to learning about Islam. I had people around me that were into the New Age spirituality and were doing things that I don’t necessarily associate with now.
The Gift of Ayatul Kursi
I remember going to the mall one day, maybe a week before Ramadan 2018 was starting. I was going for tea because I love tea, and there’s a store beside it that’s a rock shop with crystals, rocks, and necklaces. They had the third eye that a lot of people in Turkey use for protection, and I was like, “Oh, I should try this out and see if it works.”
But I went into the tea shop first. I go inside and this lady, she’s the only one working, and she’s not wearing a hijab or anything, she looks at me and says, “Can I tell you something crazy?” And I said, “Honestly, my whole life is just upside down right now, you can’t surprise me, so sure.” And she said, “Are you spiritual?” I said, “Yes.”
She said, “Do you have crystals on you?” I said, “Yeah.” I showed her my bracelets, and she said, “Don’t buy into this New Age spirituality. You can open up the energy centers of your soul or your chakras, and these beings are called ‘Jinn’ that are unseen beings, and they can attach to you.” She said, “My family sees them and there are some following you.”
I thought to myself, “Oh my gosh, I’ve had that feeling before where there’s something following me.” I had light switches that were turning on and off at my house, I had something chasing me and I got so terrified, I ran into my room– it was just these uncomfortable feelings when I was awake and asleep.
I was like, “How does this lady know this?” I asked what to do, and she gave me what is known as one of the most powerful verses in the Quran called Ayatul Kursi. Then, she also gave me the four Quls, which are the last four chapters in the Quran that are about protection and the Prophet (SAW), peace and blessings be upon him. He received Ayatul Kursi when black magic was cast on him, and it protected him. I called my friend and told them that this happened, and they were like, “I should have given this to you!”
So, I took that back home and very quickly realized that this was a very powerful experience, all of my nightmares went away. The science part of me was like, “Should I experiment and see if this is just a coincidence?” The spiritual side of me was also intrigued because it was like, “Why is this so powerful?” I had no idea at the time what it was, I was just open and curious. I kept with the prayers and I went home.
Then, I started playing it at night before I went to sleep. Like I said, my nightmares went away. Then I decided not to play to see what would happen, and this is when I had a dream. My dreams were like, lucid dreaming. There was this living room, I saw it from above, and there’s a woman in front and a woman behind me in two separate rooms that were twins. They were both wearing hijab, which was interesting because I’ve never seen hijabis in my dream before.
The Dream Continued...
So I go into the living room, it kind of zooms in, and now I’m inside and it’s dim. I never looked back to the woman behind me, it was more like, I knew she was there and I trusted she was there, and I just wanted to turn the light on at the front of the room. I walked towards the room, and I reach up to turn the light on, and as I reached up, I missed the light, fell to the floor, and yelled out the name Elsa.
I’m sitting there and my phone fell beside me. I was calling the lady because she came out of the front room and walked up behind me. She put her arms up underneath me and she’s holding me, and I felt very uncomfortable. It was almost like she was trying to comfort me, but it wasn’t the same as that dream before. It was very, very odd.
So I looked at my phone beside me, I picked it up and went into YouTube like I was doing every night, and I started typing in A-Y-A for Ayatul Kursi. She sees me over my shoulder, and she starts strangling me in my sleep. It was like one hand was on my throat, the other was on my entire lung and ribcage, and she was suffocating me. I thought I woke up screaming my whole house awake.
That was like a huge milestone for me. Not only was I looking for something that was logical and scientifically proven, but it also needed to have the spirituality and the protection because I couldn’t find that anywhere else. There was nothing that had that holistic picture except Islam. So, I got the freedom to explore and learn.
So I go into the living room, it kind of zooms in, and now I’m inside and it’s dim. I never looked back to the woman behind me, it was more like, I knew she was there and I trusted she was there, and I just wanted to turn the light on at the front of the room. I walked towards the room, and I reach up to turn the light on, and as I reached up, I missed the light, fell to the floor, and yelled out the name Elsa.
I’m sitting there and my phone fell beside me. I was calling the lady because she came out of the front room and walked up behind me. She put her arms up underneath me and she’s holding me, and I felt very uncomfortable. It was almost like she was trying to comfort me, but it wasn’t the same as that dream before. It was very, very odd.
So I looked at my phone beside me, I picked it up and went into YouTube like I was doing every night, and I started typing in A-Y-A for Ayatul Kursi. She sees me over my shoulder, and she starts strangling me in my sleep. It was like one hand was on my throat, the other was on my entire lung and ribcage, and she was suffocating me. I thought I woke up screaming my whole house awake.
That was like a huge milestone for me. Not only was I looking for something that was logical and scientifically proven, but it also needed to have the spirituality and the protection because I couldn’t find that anywhere else. There was nothing that had that holistic picture except Islam. So, I got the freedom to explore and learn.
“There was nothing that had that holistic picture except Islam. So, I got the freedom to explore and learn…Whenever I prostrated, it was no longer living from a sense of self-centered knowledge. It was that I’m surrendering what I think and know, giving it to God, and asking for that knowledge, asking for permission for what He wants me to know.”
The Angels Waking Me Up For Prayer
After that day, I started taking things more seriously. I was already praying on my hands and knees and learning how that felt because in the Bible, it says the true believers pray on their hands and knees, and I was like, “Oh yeah, I know lots of Christians that do that, but how does it feel to actually prostrate?”Whenever I prostrated, it was no longer living from a sense of self-centered knowledge. It was that I’m surrendering what I think and know, giving it to God, and asking for that knowledge, asking for permission for what He wants me to know.
There’s a sociological lens of the environment that you live in. So, if you’re from North America, you have a capitalist lens, you have that lens of “me me me,” and “I’m responsible for my life, I’m responsible for what comes.”
Then, when you have this prostration, whatever faith it is, you’re letting go of that. You’re asking God to receive that. I just love that. I didn’t get why we prayed five times a day until I started experimenting with it.
For the morning prayer, which is sometimes at 3:30 in the morning, God would wake me up five minutes before, and I would be wide awake. I was like, “What is happening?” Then my alarm would go off, and I’m like, “Oh my gosh.” I told my friend, and he said, “It’s actually the angels that are waking you up to go pray.”
I started learning all these little things that were happening to me that I couldn’t explain, but that other people knew the answer to, and I was like, “Wow, every day something beautiful is happening.” I would pray the next prayer, and then there would be another gift that would come, whether it’s a conversation like you and I are having, or I meet someone at a cafe, and then I feel almost like this exhaustion, or this need for refueling my soul, this recharging.
Then, my alarm would go off. I just downloaded the app for prayers. I didn’t know they change every day according to the sun. I was just going about my day, as I usually did, and I could feel when the prayers were. Everything was so perfect; it just kind of fell into place with me when I was in my own space.
After that day, I started taking things more seriously. I was already praying on my hands and knees and learning how that felt because in the Bible, it says the true believers pray on their hands and knees, and I was like, “Oh yeah, I know lots of Christians that do that, but how does it feel to actually prostrate?”Whenever I prostrated, it was no longer living from a sense of self-centered knowledge. It was that I’m surrendering what I think and know, giving it to God, and asking for that knowledge, asking for permission for what He wants me to know.
There’s a sociological lens of the environment that you live in. So, if you’re from North America, you have a capitalist lens, you have that lens of “me me me,” and “I’m responsible for my life, I’m responsible for what comes.”
Then, when you have this prostration, whatever faith it is, you’re letting go of that. You’re asking God to receive that. I just love that. I didn’t get why we prayed five times a day until I started experimenting with it.
For the morning prayer, which is sometimes at 3:30 in the morning, God would wake me up five minutes before, and I would be wide awake. I was like, “What is happening?” Then my alarm would go off, and I’m like, “Oh my gosh.” I told my friend, and he said, “It’s actually the angels that are waking you up to go pray.”
I started learning all these little things that were happening to me that I couldn’t explain, but that other people knew the answer to, and I was like, “Wow, every day something beautiful is happening.” I would pray the next prayer, and then there would be another gift that would come, whether it’s a conversation like you and I are having, or I meet someone at a cafe, and then I feel almost like this exhaustion, or this need for refueling my soul, this recharging.
Then, my alarm would go off. I just downloaded the app for prayers. I didn’t know they change every day according to the sun. I was just going about my day, as I usually did, and I could feel when the prayers were. Everything was so perfect; it just kind of fell into place with me when I was in my own space.
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Choosing to Be Alone
Although it’s very hard, looking back, I understand why so many women go into marriage or even fall back from their faith and go into their old lifestyles. I totally get it because being alone is one of the most difficult things. It’s been my number one fear since I was little, so I had to learn that I wasn’t alone. I came from this massive trauma where I thought I was having a family, children, and a life with someone, and it got taken away from me. Then, I got the most beautiful gift I could have ever asked for, and so my time alone was special to me because I knew that I was still coping with my trauma. |
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“I want to step into this divine love, this beautiful gift that’s unconditional, that loves me for my imperfections and for the mistakes that I make.”
If I were to take somebody in and try to love them, it wouldn’t be that selfless love. It would be very selfish. It would be, “I don’t want to do this alone,” and not realizing that there’s that difference between human love and divine love that I love to talk about.
“I’m alone” from an intimate relationship standpoint is I’m relying on conditional love because I believe that the love that I deserve has to have conditions, versus I want to step into this divine love, this beautiful gift that’s unconditional, that loves me for my imperfections and for the mistakes that I make.
I didn’t have to pretend to be someone in front of other people. God saw me for who I was, inside and out, and I had to be able to receive that before I could even get into a relationship. So, my time alone helped me not only heal from my abuse, but it also supported me in receiving unconditional love, and knowing the difference between the two.
Overcoming Past Trauma
I’ve had two experiences that were very traumatic, and both really taught me about who I was. There’s a saying in Islam that, “What hits you could have never missed you and what missed you could have never hit you.”Those experiences and those relationships have helped me to see and learn more about myself than I was able to on my own. As dramatic as they were, I’m so grateful for them. They not only helped me learn to see the beauty of who I am, but also my strength and resilience, and learning to trust my own judgment. And to understand everything that I just shared with you, that it’s okay to be alone, that it’s okay to be patient and to work through what you’ve gone through because you aren’t alone.
I always say this, my students are also my teachers, they’re my best teachers. Every single person that comes to my classes that I meet, most of them are my best friends now, and it’s because we have such parallel lives. We support each other going through this, and it’s the same thing with the relationships. I really do wish them well, and I know that I had my own part in it, but it’s definitely helped me to learn like, “Wow I am very strong. I am very resilient as a woman, and as a woman of faith,” who may not have the support systems that other people do when they go through these experiences.
“I’m alone” from an intimate relationship standpoint is I’m relying on conditional love because I believe that the love that I deserve has to have conditions, versus I want to step into this divine love, this beautiful gift that’s unconditional, that loves me for my imperfections and for the mistakes that I make.
I didn’t have to pretend to be someone in front of other people. God saw me for who I was, inside and out, and I had to be able to receive that before I could even get into a relationship. So, my time alone helped me not only heal from my abuse, but it also supported me in receiving unconditional love, and knowing the difference between the two.
Overcoming Past Trauma
I’ve had two experiences that were very traumatic, and both really taught me about who I was. There’s a saying in Islam that, “What hits you could have never missed you and what missed you could have never hit you.”Those experiences and those relationships have helped me to see and learn more about myself than I was able to on my own. As dramatic as they were, I’m so grateful for them. They not only helped me learn to see the beauty of who I am, but also my strength and resilience, and learning to trust my own judgment. And to understand everything that I just shared with you, that it’s okay to be alone, that it’s okay to be patient and to work through what you’ve gone through because you aren’t alone.
I always say this, my students are also my teachers, they’re my best teachers. Every single person that comes to my classes that I meet, most of them are my best friends now, and it’s because we have such parallel lives. We support each other going through this, and it’s the same thing with the relationships. I really do wish them well, and I know that I had my own part in it, but it’s definitely helped me to learn like, “Wow I am very strong. I am very resilient as a woman, and as a woman of faith,” who may not have the support systems that other people do when they go through these experiences.
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Why Khadijah
The name Khadijah is actually the first wife of the Prophet (SAW). She was a businesswoman who actually proposed to him. She saw his character, beauty, trust, faith, and loyalty. When he received revelation in the cave, and he came down shivering and scared because an angel came before him and told him to read, she was the one that took him in at his most vulnerable time in his life, and was able to give him love. That’s my favorite part about her. She was strong, independent, financially stable on her own, a businesswoman, but above all, she was the first woman to embrace Islam, and the wife who wholeheartedly embraced him when he was most vulnerable. The name came up for me about two years ago, and I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s a pretty big name. I don’t think I could hold that name.” I kind of sat with it for a while, then it went away |
for a bit, and it started coming back more strongly. I thought to myself, “Why is God hinting that this is something for me?” because I always thought of it as such an intimidating name.
There’s a lot that comes with her essence and her character. I thought to myself, “I don’t know if I could do that.” Of course, you don’t have to have a Muslim name, but when I thought about the Day of Judgment, or the Day of Reconciliation, when people come back together, how God calls you by your name, there was something about it that really touched my heart.
I’m not named after a family member, grandma or anything like that, it really came out of nowhere. So, for me, I was thinking, “This is a metaphor,” and also part of walking towards God and what He’s asking me to do, and I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to be called by what He sees me as, and respond to that.
I remember I was at work one day, I used to work at a gym as a fitness consultant. I would call people, and the name Khadijah kept coming up and I was like, “Oh my god, what is happening?” The name Amber came up on the screen and I was like, “Okay, if the next name is Khadijah, then this is a sign and I need to stop and really think about this.” I clicked it, and it was Khadijah. I was like, “How? How am I supposed to do this?” So, I was like, “Okay, fine.”
There’s a lot that comes with her essence and her character. I thought to myself, “I don’t know if I could do that.” Of course, you don’t have to have a Muslim name, but when I thought about the Day of Judgment, or the Day of Reconciliation, when people come back together, how God calls you by your name, there was something about it that really touched my heart.
I’m not named after a family member, grandma or anything like that, it really came out of nowhere. So, for me, I was thinking, “This is a metaphor,” and also part of walking towards God and what He’s asking me to do, and I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to be called by what He sees me as, and respond to that.
I remember I was at work one day, I used to work at a gym as a fitness consultant. I would call people, and the name Khadijah kept coming up and I was like, “Oh my god, what is happening?” The name Amber came up on the screen and I was like, “Okay, if the next name is Khadijah, then this is a sign and I need to stop and really think about this.” I clicked it, and it was Khadijah. I was like, “How? How am I supposed to do this?” So, I was like, “Okay, fine.”
“It felt beautiful to walk in this name and to understand that it is part of my lesson to learn about that love, to learn how to love and embrace a man wholeheartedly at his most vulnerable, and how to be courageous, brave, and have the strength to notice someone’s character, and say, “I would love to have that as a part of my life."
I actually sat with it, and when I was with my teacher, he was asking me, “Have you thought about a Muslim name?” And I said, “Yeah, there has been one coming up a lot. It’s Khadijah.” And he said, “It’s a beautiful name, I think you should take it.” I embraced it last July, so it’s almost been a year.
I didn’t share it publicly until recently, but it felt good. It felt beautiful to walk in this name and to understand that it is part of my lesson to learn about that love, to learn how to love and embrace a man wholeheartedly at his most vulnerable, and how to be courageous, brave, and have the strength to notice someone’s character, and say, “I would love to have that as a part of my life.”
Something that I struggled with in my abuse was being able to recognize someone’s character for what it was, and not for what I wanted it to be. It’s been a really beautiful journey embracing it, and I feel very humbled to accept the name and to walk with it.
I didn’t share it publicly until recently, but it felt good. It felt beautiful to walk in this name and to understand that it is part of my lesson to learn about that love, to learn how to love and embrace a man wholeheartedly at his most vulnerable, and how to be courageous, brave, and have the strength to notice someone’s character, and say, “I would love to have that as a part of my life.”
Something that I struggled with in my abuse was being able to recognize someone’s character for what it was, and not for what I wanted it to be. It’s been a really beautiful journey embracing it, and I feel very humbled to accept the name and to walk with it.
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In the book and in my programs, what we do is we work through four different dimensions of health. We go through a week of mental health, a week of emotional health, a week of physical health, and then a week of spiritual health. We have the whole picture and we work through, “How do we peel back the layers and get to know ourselves better?” I was learning to love myself again, and asking myself, “How do I love the imperfect parts of me? How do I learn to be okay with making mistakes and not having to show up as a perfectionist?
So working through that and, “The more that you know yourself, the more that you know your Lord”–that quote has really stuck with me, and also understanding that the way you believe about God is the way that He is.” So, if you grow up thinking that God is scary, fearful, and is going to punish you, that’s how you’re going to live your life. But if you walk with God as being loving, compassionate, and merciful, that’s how He’s going to show up for you. That’s what inspired me to step into healing my own self and support others in their own healing on their return back to God. |
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Are you struggling to increase your Islamic knowledge and feeling ignored, betrayed, or misunderstood in your current community?
I Believe You Because I’ve Been There..
I lived in the black and white world of perfectionism in pursuit of knowing Islam and set myself up for failure when I didn't give myself any compassion or mercy in the process. It didn't help that there were no communities that practiced what they preached and emphasized the teachings of the Prophet ﷺ. Now, I help women understand the power of breaking-free from fitting in so that they can be loved and belong in a community that emphasizes the compassion, mercy and love of Allah.
There is no compulsion in Islam. Islam means peace, and you can’t have peace if you’re forcing someone to be peaceful, right? You can’t do that. It’s welcoming people of all faiths to find their own peace–whatever that means to them. I just want people to feel like they belong, that they’re accepted, and that it’s okay to be where they are.
Imagine A Love that is Unconditional & Divine Supporting You Through Your Journey
If you are struggling to fit in and are losing yourself in the process and you are ready for true love and belonging, then you're in the right place.
You deserve unconditional love and mercy from Allah, now let's make it happen!
- Do you feel isolated and alone with nowhere you belong?
- Is your past haunting you and you feel ashamed to talk to anyone about it?
- Did you feel exhausted and confused about where to begin?
- Are you sacrificing your authenticity to fit in with your community?
- Do you struggle with non-Muslim holidays and family activities?
- Do you long for answers to security, peace, ease, and truth?
I Believe You Because I’ve Been There..
I lived in the black and white world of perfectionism in pursuit of knowing Islam and set myself up for failure when I didn't give myself any compassion or mercy in the process. It didn't help that there were no communities that practiced what they preached and emphasized the teachings of the Prophet ﷺ. Now, I help women understand the power of breaking-free from fitting in so that they can be loved and belong in a community that emphasizes the compassion, mercy and love of Allah.
There is no compulsion in Islam. Islam means peace, and you can’t have peace if you’re forcing someone to be peaceful, right? You can’t do that. It’s welcoming people of all faiths to find their own peace–whatever that means to them. I just want people to feel like they belong, that they’re accepted, and that it’s okay to be where they are.
Imagine A Love that is Unconditional & Divine Supporting You Through Your Journey
If you are struggling to fit in and are losing yourself in the process and you are ready for true love and belonging, then you're in the right place.
You deserve unconditional love and mercy from Allah, now let's make it happen!
Rasheedah Muslem
I have benefited immensely from Khadijah’s programs. I was able to clear out things that were clogging me up and keeping from feeling the blessing Allah has given me. It helped me to strengthen and fine tune my relationship with my Creator. It helped me in taking hold of the joy of life and reconciling with things that I need to work through that held me back. Khadijah continuously offers her support even when the programs end. She provides resources that you can use at any and all times. I have incorporated the daily affirmations into my life reading them daily, always started my day with one. I developed my practice of being mindful, which keeps me grounded daily.
Zumar Saleem
I am glad that I invested my time to connect with sisters because I got many answers to my problems. You can ask Khadijah anything. She is very passionate about how we can save ourselves in this world and the hereafter. May Allah reward her for her efforts. Ameen. She helped us focus on Allah and keep Allah first in our lives to become the best version of ourselves. I am thankful to Allah for giving me this opportunity.